Background Check

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I am a compulsive overeater.

My journey has been as unique as a fingerprint - swirling, twirling, and becoming ever more wrinkly.  Over the years, I've combated my disordered eating in a variety of different ways. More often than not, the fight included some type of diet, perhaps through an organized program like Weight Watchers or HMR, or my own personal program that I threw myself into after a particularly intense bout of excessive eating. Along with a more structured diet, I typically upped my exercise significantly, sometimes even making a run or workout a grueling punishment for having “fallen off track.” While I felt more secure with the controlled and regimented nature of having a specific diet and/or fitness plan, the nature and mindset of which I approached my new “healthy lifestyle” was far from enjoyable. Which, consequently, made it totally unsustainable for the long term. And thus, in my mind, it became another “FAIL” to add to the growing tally of unkept personal promises. 

*Photo Credit - Beechwood Cross

Background Check:

In June of 2011, I was hired as a motivational weight loss coach at a local health club. Even the process of applying, interviewing, and accepting the position seemed like a hugely hypocritical life decision. I still struggled, significantly, with my relationship to food and, at the time was about 45 lbs over-fat and grossly out of shape. Nevertheless, I accepted the position for two major reasons:

1. I was thrilled to get a position in my field of study! In fact, coaching and behavior change with regards to weight loss and healthy living had been my main area of focus when earning my Health Promotion and Wellness degree.
2. Secretly, I hoped and prayed that if I surrounded myself in an environment of health-focused individuals, I would have the accountability and “will-power” I assumed I was seriously lacking.

So, I swallowed my insecurities and started my new job as a part-time Wellness Coach. Within one months time, this position morphed into a full-time gig as manager and sales lead for the entire weight loss program. In the first 4 months, I lost 30 lbs. On the one hand, I was elated. I was back on track! On the other hand, I feared that a life outside of the gym would spiral me right back to where I began. That was the pattern. Weeks or months of focus and diligence, only to be followed by disempowerment and mental weakness. And, though I was losing weight, I didn't feel truly connected to my body. I was still a compulsive overeater, only with greater determination and cozily wrapped in a blanket of vanity to “look good” and attract compliments and encouragements from co-workers, members, family, and friends. And yet, I could never fully accept the compliments I received. I couldn't seem to believe the kind words because I felt my “success” was only temporary. Each day, I wondered if my will-power would slip. I lived in a fairly consistent, internal state of mental and emotional fear. My family and friends didn't have a clue. I felt that this was my burden to bare, no one else's. Everyone has “stuff” - why bother them with something so seemingly insignificant in the great spectrum of life's struggles? I put an enormous amount of pressure to “fix” myself on my own. So, determined to stay in control of my situation, I didn't realize that my life had truly become unmanageable. I was fiercely independent, prideful and private, intent on keeping up an image of myself that I desperately prayed would manifest into greater health and happiness. I was in the “fake it until you make it” mindset - hook, line, and sinker.

My life was being dictated by fear. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and kept my fingers crossed. I was fighting, not Flowing. Carl Jung once said, “What you resist persists.” But, I wasn't ready to give up the control that I was frantically trying to maintain. However, when we try to control something in our lives, this sense of personal power and entitlement does not leave room for the discovery of your natural rhythm and allowing the freedom of Flow.

I was learning.

“Attention feeds energy; therefore, we empower that which we focus on and attract that which we fear. This is one of the hidden laws of the universe.”

- Ascension.net

Naked Love

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I am a compulsive overeater.

I love showering. To feel the continuous stream of water against my bare skin, watching the steam rise, like a sleepy fog, the air thickening, hot and damp. My already pink flesh reddens in patches, as I nearly always keep the temperature of the water two degrees less than scalding. I notice how the curves of my body create mini waterfalls – I only need to slightly shift to see a new one form.

*Photo Credit: Getty Images

And shampoo! God, I love that stuff. The lather, rinse, repeat is a recipe for head massage bliss. My hair is long and thick with golden streaks left over from the summer sun. My fingers kneed my scalp like a proud baker tenderly massaging soft dough. The lather thickens and my head feels like how I imagine a cloud would feel – spongy, malleable, and heavy. I grab the bar of soap, rubbing rapidly with my hands until a foam appears.

Actually, I hate showering.

In the past, it was common for me to do this part completely unaware of my body. I cleaned myself throughly, but without appreciation, without gratitude. Sometimes even with malice and utter disappointment for the shape, size, and contour of my figure. In moments like this, I lost my sense of femininity. I felt far from sexy and desirable. My mind led me to dark, spidery corners where voiced jeered and sneered. To combat the malicious voices, I did this part numbly, focused solely on just getting clean, rinsing off and getting out.

I heard those voices yesterday. This time, I allowed myself to listen. Not push them away or resist as I used to, but listen attentively, thoroughly fascinated. What a curious thing, to be attending to and physically doing something caring for my body, but to recognize my mind filling with a whole host of ugly judgements.

Then, I reflected.

Today, I turned my shower time into my personal Seven Minutes in Heaven. This me-time became my time to shower my female form with deep appreciation and love. The water was my reminder to submerge my whole naked self in praise and gratitude. This time, I studied my body. With pleasure and admiration, I really saw the soft, blond hairs on my arms, the wrinkles on my knuckles, the stretchmarks on my breasts, the birthmark on my belly, the dimples on my thighs, and the calluses on my heels. What a beautiful and glorious body I have! And, I smiled from the inside out.

It's a few steps further along the path of self-discovery and recovery. Self-love is forever on-going. It doesn't matter how many times you hear it from others, it's important to discover and realize it for YOU.

So, go on - find love in the shower.

“Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; s/he who keeps understanding will discover good...” Proverbs 19:8

#quoteselfie

"For me, shaving is like exercise. Most often, it's a pain and a bother to get started, but the end result leaves me feeling glorious and shiny."

Soul-surgery

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I am a compulsive overeater.

A lot happened in the months leading up to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The pervious summer, I had uprooted my life in Wisconsin and moved to Belgium to live with my then Belgian-boyfriend. Less than six weeks after I had moved, we broke up. Subsequently, I traveled in a sort of foggy, emotional haze through Europe in the weeks that followed – I visited close friends, I hiked, I cried, I slept and I listened to personal development CDs, all of which, cumulatively, became my way of nursing my ego and mending my bruised and broken heart. In September, when I moved back to the states, I decided to get my 200-hour yoga teacher certification, invested $4000+, and sequestered myself in the Colorado mountains for a 21-day intensive training. Of course, the healing process only continued.

During my time in Colorado the following month, I had a lot of time to self-reflect. I spent countless hours in meditation, doing yoga, and venturing out on solo explorations through the mountains. And, it gave me a lot of time to think. It also brought up a lot of questions. Most of my questions boiled down to: How do I make it stop? The pain. The confusion. The ugly, shrill voice that won't shut-up inside my head. There nothing quite like a breakup to encourage you to fully examine your own self-worth. This is especially true when you discover a pattern of having placed so much of your worthiness and self-love into the hands of another human, constantly waiting and hoping for them to validate and affirm that you are desired, wanted, and loved. Then, when you are cut off from said human, it's natural to experience feelings of despair, hopelessness and self-piety. When those feelings of inadequacy become unbearably strong, it's no wonder so many people turn to addictive substances or unhealthy behaviors to quiet or numb the rejection and fear that become our emotional aftermath.

While I will not deny slipping into bouts of compulsive overeating during that period, it was then that I began to realize the power of really feeling those feelings, not numbing them. I started to recognizing that there is a message, a lesson beyond the pain and confusion I was experiencing. And, even if I didn't know exactly what that message was yet, it was there. It was within reach. There was a part of me that knew, deep down, that feeding the hungry bellies of the creatures that dwelled within my mind was only a temporary patch. The message I was looking for required some hard core, soul-surgery. The answers to the questions I kept asking was within me. The real question then became: Am I prepared to dig deeper?

Dirty Little Secret

Since launching this blog just two days ago, I am overflowing with gratitude. The response has been overwhelmingly encouraging and wholly supportive. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU - from the bottom of my heart.

Along with the launch, I sent out a personal request to many. And today, I wish extend this invitation to you.

“Would you please help me to spread awareness of food addiction? I know I am not alone in my struggle.  And yet, the disease of compulsive overeating is often kept quiet, contained to the confines of the kitchen, our jail cell.  I am choosing, now, to leave behind the ugliness of Embarrassment and Shame that have accompanied my disordered eating for years.  I choose now, to replace it with Honesty and Truth in the hope that sharing my wellness journey might help others who suffer. Obviously, this topic is near and dear to my heart. It is my goal to get the message out to as many people as I can possibly reach.”

The disease of compulsive eating is not glaringly obvious. We are your neighbors, the barista at your favorite cafe, and the teller at your local credit union. As mentioned before, this disease is more often than not kept behind closed doors. Held tight and close, like a dirty little secret. By sharing, reposting or emailing this blog, you could be the catalyst to recovery and healing for a person you may not know was suffering. Thank you, in advance, for sharing my story.

Be well,

Anna xx

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I am a compulsive overeater.

For years, I've kept this dirty little secret inside. Only in the past few months did I begin to disclose to others, mostly loved ones or friends, that I struggled with compulsive overeating. To be honest, it wasn't until this past February 2014 that I even knew compulsive overeating was a “thing.”

It was a particularly frigid, sub-zero evening in early February. That day, I had instructed four yoga classes. You would think that I would be wholly zenned out, and yet, on my way home from the studio, Anxiety stuck out her thumb on the side of the road, and I pulled over. She climbed into the passengers seat of my compact 1998 VW Beetle, flakes of snow melting in the heat. I've always had a hard time saying no to hitchhikers, and this one in particular looked desperate.

Once we reached my apartment, I fixed dinner. We ate, and I dropped the dishes in the sink. I opened the fridge glancing inside. I reached for yesterday's leftovers, not bothering to even heat it up. I ate, checking Facebook on my smart phone. I left the tupperware on my table, and walked to the kitchen cupboards. Opening them, I surveyed the options. Grabbing a box, I walked to the bedroom. Handful after handful, I consumed until I felt crumbs at the base of the box. At this point, I was beyond uncomfortably full – and yet, there is always room for dessert, right? Something sweet, and THEN, then I'll be finished. Opening the freezer, my mind as numb as the ice crystals on the walls, I reached for more. “Snap out of it!” a muted voice from the far reaching ends of my brain yelled. But, the actions seemed no longer my own.

Walking back into the living room, I realized that Anxiety had slipped quietly away while my eyes were scanning for sweets. Instead, Guilt, Disgust, and Self-loathing had made themselves at home on my futon. Damn. I was not expecting company. And lately, this trio of sloppy, grumbling house guests had been making themselves more and more comfortable, visiting nearly every evening without invitation.

Being addicted to something, any something, can be terrifying. That night, Guilt, Disgust, and Self-loathing taunted and teased me relentlessly – worse even than the class bully. I had no where to hide. These self-righteous creatures had invaded my home, my sanctuary, my mind. I felt broken and worthless; terrified, horrified, and utterly alone. And this torturous nagging had been going on since high school – only now, it was becoming much more frequent. I felt myself hiking a dangerously slow climb over jagged rocks and crumbling earth on my ascent to the highest peak of Mt. Despair.

I don't remember what I google searched that night, but somehow, by the grace of God, I found www.oa.org. Overeaters Anonymous. A group in the nearby town met every Thursday night at a local church. I texted my friend.

“I'm hurting, I'm afraid, and I need help. I am going to check out an OA meeting next week. I just needed to tell someone. Anna xx”

Six days later, I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Hello, this is Me.

Hello. My name is Anna. And, I am a compulsive overeater.

For as long as I can remember, I've had an abnormal relationship with food. I can recall being a little girl, visiting my Italian grandmother in California and, while eating dinner, having her exclaim, “My, my Anna! You are such a good little eater!” I grinned, helping myself to more.

I was raised in a family where my Italian bloodline was practically infused with pasta and wine, and my Polish side loved their beer. Family gatherings, on either side of the family, always meant a plethora of food, drink, and dessert. Food equaled love. And I loved food.

During my sophomore year of high school, I began to notice that most of my girlfriends were a lot smaller than me. As I watched them spin and pump their pom-poms during the basketball game half-time, I thought, “What am I doing wrong?” My girlfriends were dating, whispering stories about their first kiss, while I prayed every night before bed that my current crush would ask me to the Homecoming Dance. Something must be wrong, and I was determined to fix it.

In the five months that followed, I dropped over 40 lbs. I had no real knowledge how to lose weight “healthfully.” The only strategy I knew of was to eat less (a LOT less) and exercised more (every day without fail). For nearly 150 days, I went to bed hungry every night. I played mind games with myself, successfully convincing myself that I hated pizza and chocolate so that in the event that someone offered it to me I would immediately wrinkle my nose and say, “Oh God no, I despise the stuff.”

It's interesting, you may note, that I introduced myself as a compulsive overeater when I've just finished telling you about my five month stint of major nutrition deprivation and rigorous exercise. Compulsive overeaters have the ability to be extremely disciplined. But, eventually, we hit a breaking point.

My breaking point happened in June of 2003 when my family took a vacation to Europe for one month. I was thrilled to be wearing my first two piece swimsuit while basking on the Greek Islands. I had also finally given myself permission to eat. And I ATE. I had second and third helpings of food at our friends homes and was just shy of licking my plate clean at the restaurants we dined at. Having deprived myself so greatly for almost half a year, I was more than willing to eat my way through Germany, Italy and Greece. I frequently went to bed so stuffed, that I remember being utterly relieved to be going to sleep for 7-8 hours so I could give my body a break and not have to think about not eating. Food was my constant travel companion; my next meal being mentally planned almost immediately after we had finished eating. I gained 10+ lbs during that month abroad. And therein began my cronic battle with food addiction.

Eleven years later and here I am sharing my story. Inviting you along to follow my journey to recovery. It's a bumpy ride, but I look forward to sharing many of the insights I've learned and discovered along the way.

The purpose of this blog is to bring to light the disease of compulsive overeating, food, and exercise addition. This disease is serious, dangerous, and is often extremely debilitating emotionally, mentally, and physically. And yet, there is hope. I find hope and strength in support groups, mentors, and by creating awareness through community. Know that you are not alone. You are not defined by your compulsive eating. Let us come together and rally in support of one another, along with reaching out to friends and family who suffer in silence. Together, we are a force for good. A united front towards healing, self-love, and forgiveness of ourselves - one day at a time.

Be well,

Anna

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