~ Flow To Be Free ~: January 2015

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I'm a soul healer.

Earlier this month, I challenged you to dream BIG. I asked you to answer some key questions and encouraged you to set 5-7 specific goals for your year ahead. Did you do it? I hope so. If not, it's not too late! Take a moment and THINK. What do you want to accomplish in 2015? It's been said that we often overestimate what we can do in a day, but underestimate what we can do in a year. So, don't you dare underestimate yourself! THINK BIG.

During my DWD experience over two years ago in 2012, I designed my ultimate destiny. In a major nutshell, I left the seminar having written my life's Mission Statement & Purpose, my Primary Question, my top 4 Power Virtues, my Towards and Away Values and Rules, my 4 One Year Goals for 2012, and my Ideal Relationship Vision. Two months later, on a Friday evening in February, I created a visualization of my Ultimate Destiny and artfully crafted a poster to display the fruits of my labor from my DWD experience. I framed and hung this poster in my bedroom as a reminder of the kind of woman I needed to show up as each and every day to make this my reality.

Photo Credit: Anna Lucas

Obviously, just writing a bunch of stuff down and creating a sweet poster doesn't guarantee that your actions will reflect your intentions. For several months, I was on FIRE. I literally felt like someone was holding a torch under my tush, and I flew full speed ahead down the most extraordinary, colorful path. Cool stuff just happened. I met incredible people. I explored. I always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. I took some major risks that put my heart in very vulnerable places. I felt this overwhelming sense of fearlessness.

For about five months.

Then, life happened. Just little things here and there at first, and I felt my momentum start to dwindle. Then life really happened, knocking me down from my high, and my heart hurt like the dickens. I felt confused and a bit broken – and I spent a long time picking up the pieces. My 2012 Vision Board got tucked away in the closet behind coats and dresses and piles of books. Along with putting away my vision board, I hid those feelings of pure excitement, determination, and unhindered joy along with it. I was hurting and trying desperately to bandage the wounds. I didn't really feel like myself. I felt numb and in an emotional fog. I consistently felt sad, lonely, and downright gloomy, especially when I found myself alone in my apartment at night. I sought comfort in food much of the time, which only added shame and guilt to an already aching heart.

Even at the time, I knew I had to change something. But, when your mind is consumed in a gray cloud of the blahs, it's often a challenge to simply muster up the energy to roll out of bed in the morning. Thankfully for me, I let the habitual, robotic something in me take over and go through my morning routine as I was expected to be at work most mornings. And, if there's anything I was good at doing, it was not disappointing others, even if I was disappointing and berating myself nearly every day.

In retrospect, life kind of sucked.

Despite the doom and gloom, however, I was intentional in doing many things to shake these crummy feelings. And yet, the books I read, the emotional exercises I did, the meetings I attended, and the conversations I had seemed to bring up more emotional junk. I had finally, after 27 years, begun to clean out the toxic crap from my past that I always swept under the rug or buried deep in my mental backyard. It's completely normal and instinctual, actually, to try and suppress emotional traumas of childhood and life in general. It's also totally human to tough it out and pretend that we weren't really affected by whatever negative event we experienced or rotten person we encountered. When asked how we are, we say things like, “I'm fine” or “No worries” as we wouldn't dare to burden others with our heart aches and emotional angst.

Yet, last year I learned two very powerful lessons.

[#1] We can't bury the pain. I mean, we can, but sooner or later it's going to fester and mold and get all sorts of smelly until we are forced to either confront it or allow it to poison our emotional state day in and day out. And, truth be told, it's downright scary to willingly look at the stale, crusty shit of our past. Which brings me to lesson number two.

[#2] Look at the shit. Breath it in, touch it, and feel it. Because, as disgusting as it sounds, it's truly necessary to scoop it up and scrub it out in order to let it all go once and for all.

I won't sugarcoat it. This is not an easy process, nor does it usually happen overnight. But please remember, you don't have to it alone. Oh yes, I definitely learned an additional lesson during my own personal clearing process:

[#3] Seek guidance and support. Call a friend or family member that you trust; Join a local meeting or support group at your church; Find a counselor, coach, or leader in your community who can help guide you through the cleaning out process; Associate with people you find inspiring and are living a life and have the kinds of relationships you desire; If you are able, disassociate from those who drain your energy; Read self-help books and write down your insights. If you embrace this, the whole process will be more manageable and much less overwhelming than if you attempt to do it independently.

Trust me on this one. Use one or two of my suggestions or, if you want to do what I did, use them ALL. If you know your heart and soul is overdue for a spring cleaning, roll up your sleeves, grab your mop and bucket, and get to work. And, try not to get discouraged if you notice that things become messier before they begin to sparkle. That's all part of the process too. It's not all unicorns and rainbows, but this is LIFE we are talking about. And, it's a part of the journey.

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I'm a time traveler.

Photo Credit: ScriptShadow

I must have been especially nice this year because for Christmas, Santa was especially kind. On Christmas morning, under the tree, I discovered, much to my delight, a brand new pair of snowshoes! Then, for New Years, I finally received the eagerly anticipated snowfall. Finally, I could bundle up and shuffle out into the quiet woods, creating a trail of flattened powder as I trod gleefully amongst the frozen tree trunks and their naked branches.

As I stomped through the fluff, my mind began to wander, drifting back and rewinding through the past 12 months. I don't know about you, but it never ceases to amaze me how much can happen in the course of a year. Beginning with my move back to Wisconsin in November of 2013, I pressed “Play” to watch a slideshow of memories.

I had just completed my 200 hour training in the movement art of yoga and had returned home to Eau Claire, WI jazzed up to start up my own yoga business and teach, teach, teach! On December 30^th, 2013, Crave Yoga and Wellness LLC was officially born. Two days later, I moved into my own one bedroom, second floor apartment, the walls freshly painted with bright colors of my choosing – a light, sea foam green to compliment the golden, hardwood floor studio room; a joyful, mustard yellow for the kitchen; and a pinkish salmon for my bedroom – on which I had hung artwork, photographs, and various décor. It was cozy and quiet – a sanctuary for reflection and my brand new home for a brand new year.

In February, I put my vivid visions of owning my own yoga studio on hold, yet continued to teach yoga every Monday evening and was thrilled to bring heated yoga to the Chippewa Valley! And, with the intended outcome of establishing some certainty and stability, I willingly (even enthusiastically!) entered into the corporate world of finance at my local credit union, ignoring the high pitched alarms that went off in my head when my soon-to-be supervisor informed me that I would be required to work on weekends and would receive only seven days of paid vacation a year. *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!* At 27 years young, this was my very first career choice that significantly lowered the flexibility that I had grown quite accustom to and comfortable with. This, I remember thinking, is the reality of most American 9-5 jobs, Anna. This was the price I must pay to establish the regularity and structure I was so desperately seeking. My fire for wandering the world had been sufficiently snuffed, and I felt ready to settle down, plant my roots, and establish myself, once and for all, back in Wisconsin. Thus, I freely traded my time freedom for a stable (albeit minimal) paycheck, health insurance, an HSA, and began saving for retirement. (Let me just say that I think now I understand the reality of a “quarter life crisis.”)

The same week I started my new job, I began attending meetings with Overeaters Anonymous where I met my current sponsor - an extraordinary friend and confidant who I now check in with nearly every day.

I was attempting (still) to play doctor to a confused mind and a badly bruised heart that had suffered a beating from a highly emotional break-up the previous summer. With healing on my mind, I devoted conscious and focused effort to following a seven week, intensive course specifically designed to soothe my heart wounds and, ultimately, guide me towards calling in my soulmate^[1]. Each day, I completed exercises that asked me to look deep within myself for ways in which I was sabotaging my chances at love – which ultimately started from having a deeply rooted fear of rejection and failure and not truly believing I was worthy of a great, romantic and passionate love. Frankly, I was continuing to entertain the idea that my “vision” for love couldn't possibly exist and was simply not plausible. I banished those thoughts right quick, thanks to the consistent support and accountability of three dear friends who followed the program right along with me.

After completing the course, I continued to discover, much more clearly, the kind of relationship I was truly looking for – and the kind I was most decidedly not. I successfully dated, but unsuccessfully fell for, a local acupuncturist (Note – my mild phobia of needles did NOT help boost his appeal, nor did the countless jokes about how he couldn't wait to “poke” me) and a massage therapist/DJ from Iowa who dreamed big, yet seemed a little lost when it came to his sense of direction in life. While dating Mr. Iowa, I did something that I never thought I would do. Courageously and with the intention of an emotional, relationship-al detox, I did a massive Facebook “friends cleanse” which included, most importantly, the un-friending of every one of my previous exes, fun flings, and several feel-good flirtations who I purposefully kept tucked in my back pocket for whenever I craved compliments or, honestly, felt lonely and/or insecure. I cut, discarded, and sent up in flames these unhealthy, molding, and blackened relational umbilical cords. The freeness I experienced after the initial angst was almost instantaneous. And, the love of self I've experienced and nurtured since that day has been monumentally life changing. I finally recognized that I am enough. I realized, in every cell of my body, that I am worthy of a phenomenal, extraordinary love. And, from that day forward, I began attracting a higher caliper of man into my life – because I was showing up as a more confident, complete, and charismatic woman. I dappled (briefly) in online dating. I flitted through profiles with a hyper-awareness of the type of man I was searching for. A man I could deeply connect with on every level – intellectually, physically, emotionally, sexually, practically, and spiritually. After meeting for a first, second, and third date with one especially exceptional man, I thought I might have found him. But, when it was discovered that we were headed down separate paths spiritually, we mutually agreed go our separate ways. I thank each of these three gentle-men for their companionship, kindness, and for helping me prepare myself, in mind, body, and soul, for the man I will fall in love with and commit the rest of my living days to loving and sharing our life together.

While my romantic life ebbed and clearly didn't always flow, I deepened, widened, and expanded greatly my relationship with God throughout this year, choosing quite spontaneously one summer Sunday morning to reaffirm my love of Him through a ceremonial, full submersion baptism in the Chippewa River. The relationships with my closest girlfriends, from my local gals to my fabulous ladies abroad, have brought considerable joy, laughter and meaningful conversation to my life. And, I am eternally grateful to these exceptional women. To all of my special ladies: you have been a true gift sent from above. And, I love you from the bottom of my heart.

This year, being active in a variety of ways became a top priority. To compliment my personal yoga practice and my weekly yoga instruction, I was actively training for a race of some sort throughout most of the year. I sweated, grinned, and pounded my way one stride at a time in training for my first half marathon. It was a pure rush to race across the finish line to the claps and whoops of friends and family who had come out to cheer. Additionally, I completed three Row, Ride, Run Triathlons – falling in love with the variety and challenging nature of a sport involving three of my favorite things – a kayak, a bike, and a dirt trail.

Eau Claire Half Marathon, May 4th, 2014

Kickapoo River Valley Triathlon - Dam Challenge - APL

Unsurprising to many, midway through the year, I finally wised up and quit my soul-smushing job at the credit union call center. After nearly seven months, I had learned, in great detail, about credit score reports and had, by that time, taken hundreds of loan applications over the phone. I had also eaten more than my fair share of office treats from the neighboring empty cubicle. Despite the job being a less than a perfect fit for me, I have many fond memories of my fellow team members, one of whom gives the world's best high fives. I do miss those...

Once free of the confines of the “brick and mortar” life, I took a couple months to reignite my inner artist, who had been sleeping as soundly as Sleeping Beauty on Nyquil. I wrote. I blogged. I began creating again. I breathed deeper and meditated longer. I fell a little bit more in love with yoga, prayer, and the power of healing touch (ie. Reiki). And, I started brewing Kombucha - a Japanese, fermented tea drink - which has resulted in given me the closet thing I have to a pet these days – a live, symbiotic colony of bacteria I have lovingly named “Scooby the Scoby.”

As summer turned to autumn, I enrolled in a four week Myers-Briggs workshop, with the intention of expanding my knowledge on personality types, effectively discovering (with a surprising amount of simultaneous relief and excitement) that I am, in fact, slightly more introverted than extraverted – in the most beautiful of ways. Following the completion of the workshop, I was wholly intrigued by the entire process, resulting in a gentle prodding of my entire family and many of my friends to take the personal inventory^[2] and igniting a wonderful array of conversations regarding personality differences, communication, and how to merge differing personality types into successful and mutually beneficial relationships and friendships. Digging deeper, I read the fascinating book “Quiet – The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking^[3]” which has provided me even greater understanding of my natural tendencies, why I do the things that I do, think the things I think, and act the way I act. I also felt very much enlightened when I read “The Five Love Languages^[4]” {Author's Note – Should you wish to know...my top two love languages include exchanging lots of compliments and affirmative words and giving and receiving thoughtful presents! Just an FYI...*wink wink*}. Just read the book – if you put the words into action, I guarantee your relationships, both intimate and otherwise, will improve exponentially.

Throughout 2014, I traveled to California, Ohio, and Florida. I washed dishes on Thanksgiving at the Community Table. I made some new friends and let a few go. I opened my heart - I loved, I hurt, and I grew stronger because of it. Through it all, I found myself again.

My mind looped full circle back to the present as I felt the chill air nip at my cheeks and heard the soft crunch of the hibernating foliage beneath the fresh layers of snow.

"Warm Smile" - APL

I considered something. If asked to describe the last year in three words, I would choose solitude, security, and stability. As we enter more fully into a brand new year, I have a new trio of words to accompany a glistening new vision – abundance, adventure, and flow. And, to compliment and detail this new vision, I've creating a number of specific goals that I have already begun to work toward accomplishing in 2015. The following are a handful of those goals I wish to share with you:

Play a lead role in Little Women at the Mabel Tainter Theater in Menomonie, Wisconsin this spring
Give a public talk to inspire people to live authentically and in accordance with their deepest desires
Become a generously paid and fully supported travel writer and photographer
Fall in love; Stay in love <3
Travel to Fiji, Bali, and Southeast Asia
Meet a handsome Spanish language tutor and learn conversational Spanish
Move to San Francisco, California

The new year is a fresh start, a clean slate. A time for new beginnings and for dreaming BIG. I encourage you to reflect over the last 12 months of your own life. What lessons did you learn? What did you love? How have you changed? How do you want to show up and live your life moving forward? Additionally, I urge you to set 5-7 one year goals for yourself that you'd like to accomplish within the year. Make them as specific as possible and write them down. Be intentional with the choices you make from this day forward. The more your decisions align with your life's mission and purpose, the more clearly you will see see your life taking shape in the way you've always dreamed. Breathe. Enjoy the journey. And, in the words of Ms. Frizzle and her Magic School Bus, “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!”

With joy, love, and gratitude,

Anna

P.S. Also this year, I became an actual Disney Princess – my ultimate childhood dream come true. To the creators and magical players behind the movie “Frozen” - Thank you :-)