Background Check

Hello, my name is Anna. And, I am a compulsive overeater.

My journey has been as unique as a fingerprint - swirling, twirling, and becoming ever more wrinkly.  Over the years, I've combated my disordered eating in a variety of different ways. More often than not, the fight included some type of diet, perhaps through an organized program like Weight Watchers or HMR, or my own personal program that I threw myself into after a particularly intense bout of excessive eating. Along with a more structured diet, I typically upped my exercise significantly, sometimes even making a run or workout a grueling punishment for having “fallen off track.” While I felt more secure with the controlled and regimented nature of having a specific diet and/or fitness plan, the nature and mindset of which I approached my new “healthy lifestyle” was far from enjoyable. Which, consequently, made it totally unsustainable for the long term. And thus, in my mind, it became another “FAIL” to add to the growing tally of unkept personal promises. 

*Photo Credit - Beechwood Cross

Background Check:

In June of 2011, I was hired as a motivational weight loss coach at a local health club. Even the process of applying, interviewing, and accepting the position seemed like a hugely hypocritical life decision. I still struggled, significantly, with my relationship to food and, at the time was about 45 lbs over-fat and grossly out of shape. Nevertheless, I accepted the position for two major reasons:

1. I was thrilled to get a position in my field of study! In fact, coaching and behavior change with regards to weight loss and healthy living had been my main area of focus when earning my Health Promotion and Wellness degree.
2. Secretly, I hoped and prayed that if I surrounded myself in an environment of health-focused individuals, I would have the accountability and “will-power” I assumed I was seriously lacking.

So, I swallowed my insecurities and started my new job as a part-time Wellness Coach. Within one months time, this position morphed into a full-time gig as manager and sales lead for the entire weight loss program. In the first 4 months, I lost 30 lbs. On the one hand, I was elated. I was back on track! On the other hand, I feared that a life outside of the gym would spiral me right back to where I began. That was the pattern. Weeks or months of focus and diligence, only to be followed by disempowerment and mental weakness. And, though I was losing weight, I didn't feel truly connected to my body. I was still a compulsive overeater, only with greater determination and cozily wrapped in a blanket of vanity to “look good” and attract compliments and encouragements from co-workers, members, family, and friends. And yet, I could never fully accept the compliments I received. I couldn't seem to believe the kind words because I felt my “success” was only temporary. Each day, I wondered if my will-power would slip. I lived in a fairly consistent, internal state of mental and emotional fear. My family and friends didn't have a clue. I felt that this was my burden to bare, no one else's. Everyone has “stuff” - why bother them with something so seemingly insignificant in the great spectrum of life's struggles? I put an enormous amount of pressure to “fix” myself on my own. So, determined to stay in control of my situation, I didn't realize that my life had truly become unmanageable. I was fiercely independent, prideful and private, intent on keeping up an image of myself that I desperately prayed would manifest into greater health and happiness. I was in the “fake it until you make it” mindset - hook, line, and sinker.

My life was being dictated by fear. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and kept my fingers crossed. I was fighting, not Flowing. Carl Jung once said, “What you resist persists.” But, I wasn't ready to give up the control that I was frantically trying to maintain. However, when we try to control something in our lives, this sense of personal power and entitlement does not leave room for the discovery of your natural rhythm and allowing the freedom of Flow.

I was learning.

“Attention feeds energy; therefore, we empower that which we focus on and attract that which we fear. This is one of the hidden laws of the universe.”

- Ascension.net